Finally, we can cancel the issue that will raise our earth’s temperature by .001 degrees every year. We basically have enacted and completed the new green deal! AOC and Bernie must be very pleased with this cyberattack. They just needed a Russian ransomware criminals to do the job for them. Who’s colluding with Russia now? All we had to do to stop global warming just had to do with gas emissions coming from our cars; so obviously the only course of action was to hike up the gallon prices, or better yet, shut down the gas stations entirely. Paired with the recent pandemic, everyone is basically working from home right? No need to go anywhere! You’re best when you stay put! The only thing that the hack couldn’t do that the Green New Deal was going to was raising your taxes. However, I believe Biden will find a way to do that by introducing virtually any new legislation. The gas prices were already shooting up when Biden became president; this just might be the piece de resistance. But we’re basically only 100 days in. If you’re surprised by price increases now, the next four years are gonna be a doozy.

President Biden’s trend of weak foreign policy may just sympathize with our international gas kidnappers by paying the ransom. Reagan’s motto of “we America will never make concessions to terrorists” be out the window at this point. By paying the ransom, our taxes will increase, as paying the pump will inevitably take another large hit as well. But hey, with the inflation that's about to hit at any second now, gas prices should be at the least of our worries, right? We’ll have Jimmy Carter-esque gas lines in the southeast soon; the 70’s weren’t always groovy huh.

The Russian Hacking group states that a portion of the ransom would be donated to charity, which gives a new selling point to the liberals motto of “eat the rich ''. I mean they both are operating on the same notion of wealth redistribution, except the hackers would want to “eat everyone” for the sake of charity; liberals will soon adopt this mantra to bring anyone down that’s above them. Well, they can eat my shorts; however, I hope my shorts are vegan-friendly.

Next on the list of things to cancel would be the FBI. The FBI just got beat by a bunch of Russian hackers who broke into the security of a pipeline that affects millions of Americans. These hackers call themselves Darkside, which could mean two things, they’re Star Wars nerds, or Superman nerds. Either way, they’re pop culture nerds on top of being nerds for hacking. A bunch of amateurs, and the FBI prevented nothing. Maybe we should recruit Darkside to replace the FBI, at least they use taxpayer money to donate to charities. CANCELED!